Seid gegrüsst, oh meine Leser
Dies ist ein Brief, den ich an meine Englischlehrerin geschrieben habe, während ich Höllenqualen auszustehen hatte. Das Schreiben basiert auf Tatsachen. Einige Namen und Personen wurden jedoch erfunden, um Betroffene zu schützen (und weil ich nicht eines schönes Morgens auf dem Weg zum Briefkasten abgestochen werden möchte). Die hier vorliegende Fassung, wurde zuvor bereits korrigiert. Sollte es dennoch einige Fehler aufweisen, so liegt das an meinen Änderungen und nicht etwa an den Fähigkeiten meiner Lehrerin.
Well, enjoy!
★ Link zu meiner Google-Bewertung Gasthaus zum Bären, Holziken ★
The „Turkish whorehouse“ perfumed woman turned out to be typical Swiss: we were chatting and
she told me with her strong smoker breath that we’ve met at my cousin’s wedding. It must have
been 12 years ago or so. We had a conversation about working in customer service and moved on
to the documentary After Neverland, which she’s totally against! She would never watch such a
disgusting lie! Michael Jackson was innocent and that Jordan Chandler guy who accused him back
in the 19?? was a little shitter, who was just after Jackson’s money. It is disgusting how
people act! Michael Jackson would never have abused a child. Blabla
Then I asked her „Did you watch the documentary?“
„NEVER! It’s a waste of time! One should not support shitters like they are!“
„Watch it. And let’s talk again after you watched it.“
There is a band playing something they call music. Two old guys AKA „Alleinunterhalter Nachtfalke“. I’ve already mentioned that I’m in hell. It’s literally THE HELL ON EARTH! They play Ländler and oldies. All the classics, such as „Sierra madre“. It’s for old people. 85% of the guests are 50+ or even 60+ and some are much more older. They love it. My cousin, his wife, their son and me are suffering. We can’t even talk to each other anymore since the music is way too loud. You can’t even hear the person next to you. It’s great! I knew it would be a birthday like this…
My father and I ordered a beer. One look between us said it all. „Appenzeller Bier!“ which isn’t really tasty, nevertheless we drank it. I mean, it could have been worse. It could have been a Heineken.
The „Turkish whorehouse“ smelling woman turned out to be my cousin’s wife’s stepmother. She and my cousin were arguing about the climate change demonstrations and about things which have changed since the 90’s. I mentioned children/teens don’t even have to collect wastepaper anymore. She energetically barked this was because there isn’t much wastepaper to collect anymore. I said „That’s why they collect it with a giant camion (I know it would be "truck" here, but I love to add some helvetism).“ Then my cousin mentioned the school bus picking up children at the bus stop. We had to walk to school. If you lived 1km far from school you were allowed to go by bicycle. She barked at him that the school bus is necessary! „Why?“, I asked. Immediately turning her red face to me she stared and her face told me everything I had to know: How dare I question her? She then told about that 75 year old granny who stabbed a 7 year old boy in Basel a few weeks ago. But she said it generally: „Nowadays since children get killed on their way to school it is necessary to take care of them!“
„Who else got stabbed?“
„That boy in Basel!“
„Yes and who else?“
She stared at me.
„Switzerland is still a safe country. Just because once in I-don’t-know-how-many-years one boy got killed by mentally ill woman you can’t make this a general problem and act like it would happen every day. It happened only once. People are sometimes way too sensitive.“
„I need to smoke!“ she reacted, stood up and went to the fumoir. My cousin was giggling and informed me that one cannot discuss with her. Well, he’s right. She is a typical small-minded Swiss.
The food was another disappointment. I need to write a Google rating as soon as I get home!
My godmother had ordered the meals in February beforehand. She asked if vegan food was possible. They said yes. They literally said YES! You must know, I have been vegetarian for about 28 years. Back in the 90’s it was uncommon. Waiters couldn’t handle it and some were obviously shocked about a non-meat eating child. I would get french fries (chips) a veggie platter or a salad platter. Nothing more. It was in the 90’s. We don’t live in the 90’s anymore. It’s 2019 already! But this restaurant, the Gasthaus Bären in Holziken, seems to be a time machine. When you enter the restaurant you get thrown back into the past. Or wait. In case you know THE TWILIGHT ZONE let’s say it like Rod Serling would have said: Thinking of a nice evening she wasn’t aware she wouldn’t just enter an ordinary restaurant. She entered the TWILIGHT ZONE.
Dinner out of the Twilight Zone
The starter was a veggie bouillon soup. As usual. It’s boring but at least it contains no animal corpses.
The next course was a salad - as usual. I got my salad without a dressing. But she placed oil and balasmico on my table. But there was no menage with salt and pepper. Nice. Great service! I’m so flattered!
The main course was a piece of a dead animal with an unhealthy thick sauce béchamel. My main course was different. The chef must have time travelled back to the early 90’s and grabbed that plate in the kitchen there and brought it through that time hole straight into 2019. I’ve got a plate with some pieces of zucchini, broccoli and cauliflower. Ah yes and a few carrots as well. There was also a huge amount of dry and SALTED rice on my plate. I have never had such disgusting rice before! My father glanced at my plate and started laughing. My mother next to him asked what happened. Laughing, he said he had a 90’s-déjà-vu. I had to laugh as well. My mother then asked if it was delicious at least. One answer. One word: Nope.
When she came with the second helping something very funny happened. The waitress had wooden plateau (which is called "tray" but I like the French version better) with two bowls on it. One was meat. The other one was veggies. When she arrived behind me she couldn’t even finish her question, because suddenly the bowl with the veggies did what it had to do according to gravity: it slipped from the wooden tray. There was a rain of veggies all over me, my plate and on the ground. I used to work as a waitress before so I wasn’t angry. But the veggies were hot and burned my legs. Haha. She apologised so many times. And my father’s at the time drunken former co-worker joked about her accident. I said that I’m happy it wasn’t the bowl with the body parts of dead animals. C’est la vie de Navi. At least I have material for a new blog post. XD
In conclusion I want to say that I don’t recommend this restaurant at all. Not because of the accident, but because of the low quality of the food and the fact that they weren’t organised well. We had only one waitress serving 30 guests.
New vocab:
second helping - Nachschlag
Dies ist ein Brief, den ich an meine Englischlehrerin geschrieben habe, während ich Höllenqualen auszustehen hatte. Das Schreiben basiert auf Tatsachen. Einige Namen und Personen wurden jedoch erfunden, um Betroffene zu schützen (und weil ich nicht eines schönes Morgens auf dem Weg zum Briefkasten abgestochen werden möchte). Die hier vorliegende Fassung, wurde zuvor bereits korrigiert. Sollte es dennoch einige Fehler aufweisen, so liegt das an meinen Änderungen und nicht etwa an den Fähigkeiten meiner Lehrerin.
Well, enjoy!
★ Link zu meiner Google-Bewertung Gasthaus zum Bären, Holziken ★
The time is now.
I’m sitting here at this particular birthday party I’ve told you about last week.
There are about 30 people around me. On my right is my father chatting with a former
co-worker, who is nearly drunk. This guy has already consumed 5 glasses of white wine. They’re talking about their past, awkward former co-workers and about what’s wrong in this country. Kind of interesting. A woman is seated on my left and I have no idea who she is. She must be in her 60’s. I can’t remember if I’ve ever met her before. If I had I’m sure I would remember her terrible and way too sweet perfume. It’s exactly the odour (my teacher told me about the usage of "odour" but I still think it perfectly fits -_^) my grandmother used to call „Turkish whorehouse“. It’s sickeningly sweet with a tiny note of sweat and ashtray. It’s so penetrating and disgusting that I’m about to puke. No joke. This is what hell seems to be like.
Then I asked her „Did you watch the documentary?“
„NEVER! It’s a waste of time! One should not support shitters like they are!“
„Watch it. And let’s talk again after you watched it.“
There is a band playing something they call music. Two old guys AKA „Alleinunterhalter Nachtfalke“. I’ve already mentioned that I’m in hell. It’s literally THE HELL ON EARTH! They play Ländler and oldies. All the classics, such as „Sierra madre“. It’s for old people. 85% of the guests are 50+ or even 60+ and some are much more older. They love it. My cousin, his wife, their son and me are suffering. We can’t even talk to each other anymore since the music is way too loud. You can’t even hear the person next to you. It’s great! I knew it would be a birthday like this…
My father and I ordered a beer. One look between us said it all. „Appenzeller Bier!“ which isn’t really tasty, nevertheless we drank it. I mean, it could have been worse. It could have been a Heineken.
The „Turkish whorehouse“ smelling woman turned out to be my cousin’s wife’s stepmother. She and my cousin were arguing about the climate change demonstrations and about things which have changed since the 90’s. I mentioned children/teens don’t even have to collect wastepaper anymore. She energetically barked this was because there isn’t much wastepaper to collect anymore. I said „That’s why they collect it with a giant camion (I know it would be "truck" here, but I love to add some helvetism).“ Then my cousin mentioned the school bus picking up children at the bus stop. We had to walk to school. If you lived 1km far from school you were allowed to go by bicycle. She barked at him that the school bus is necessary! „Why?“, I asked. Immediately turning her red face to me she stared and her face told me everything I had to know: How dare I question her? She then told about that 75 year old granny who stabbed a 7 year old boy in Basel a few weeks ago. But she said it generally: „Nowadays since children get killed on their way to school it is necessary to take care of them!“
„Who else got stabbed?“
„That boy in Basel!“
„Yes and who else?“
She stared at me.
„Switzerland is still a safe country. Just because once in I-don’t-know-how-many-years one boy got killed by mentally ill woman you can’t make this a general problem and act like it would happen every day. It happened only once. People are sometimes way too sensitive.“
„I need to smoke!“ she reacted, stood up and went to the fumoir. My cousin was giggling and informed me that one cannot discuss with her. Well, he’s right. She is a typical small-minded Swiss.
The food was another disappointment. I need to write a Google rating as soon as I get home!
My godmother had ordered the meals in February beforehand. She asked if vegan food was possible. They said yes. They literally said YES! You must know, I have been vegetarian for about 28 years. Back in the 90’s it was uncommon. Waiters couldn’t handle it and some were obviously shocked about a non-meat eating child. I would get french fries (chips) a veggie platter or a salad platter. Nothing more. It was in the 90’s. We don’t live in the 90’s anymore. It’s 2019 already! But this restaurant, the Gasthaus Bären in Holziken, seems to be a time machine. When you enter the restaurant you get thrown back into the past. Or wait. In case you know THE TWILIGHT ZONE let’s say it like Rod Serling would have said: Thinking of a nice evening she wasn’t aware she wouldn’t just enter an ordinary restaurant. She entered the TWILIGHT ZONE.
Dinner out of the Twilight Zone
The starter was a veggie bouillon soup. As usual. It’s boring but at least it contains no animal corpses.
The next course was a salad - as usual. I got my salad without a dressing. But she placed oil and balasmico on my table. But there was no menage with salt and pepper. Nice. Great service! I’m so flattered!
The main course was a piece of a dead animal with an unhealthy thick sauce béchamel. My main course was different. The chef must have time travelled back to the early 90’s and grabbed that plate in the kitchen there and brought it through that time hole straight into 2019. I’ve got a plate with some pieces of zucchini, broccoli and cauliflower. Ah yes and a few carrots as well. There was also a huge amount of dry and SALTED rice on my plate. I have never had such disgusting rice before! My father glanced at my plate and started laughing. My mother next to him asked what happened. Laughing, he said he had a 90’s-déjà-vu. I had to laugh as well. My mother then asked if it was delicious at least. One answer. One word: Nope.
When she came with the second helping something very funny happened. The waitress had wooden plateau (which is called "tray" but I like the French version better) with two bowls on it. One was meat. The other one was veggies. When she arrived behind me she couldn’t even finish her question, because suddenly the bowl with the veggies did what it had to do according to gravity: it slipped from the wooden tray. There was a rain of veggies all over me, my plate and on the ground. I used to work as a waitress before so I wasn’t angry. But the veggies were hot and burned my legs. Haha. She apologised so many times. And my father’s at the time drunken former co-worker joked about her accident. I said that I’m happy it wasn’t the bowl with the body parts of dead animals. C’est la vie de Navi. At least I have material for a new blog post. XD
In conclusion I want to say that I don’t recommend this restaurant at all. Not because of the accident, but because of the low quality of the food and the fact that they weren’t organised well. We had only one waitress serving 30 guests.
New vocab:
second helping - Nachschlag
